I cannot be held responsible for my actions when I have not been fed. Consider yourselves warned.
Sometimes I like to pretend I'm an adult: show up at work, act professional, treat people with love and kindness. And other times the scheduling gods are such that I have to work through my lunch break. On a day when I raced out the door without breakfast. And then, be afraid. Be very afraid.
Once upon a time, a very attractive man arrived at my home to pick me up for a blind date. Almost an Ashton Kutcher look-alike. Who spoke French. Hot, right??? It was early, probably 5:30 or so. What are you assuming is coming at that point of the evening on a first date? DINNER. When we got in the car and my date asked the unfortunately ever-so familiar question, "Well, what did you want to do?" I knew it was trouble. What did you think I wanted to do?!? Introduce myself and then spend the rest of the night simply gazing into your eyes??? FEED ME, FOOL! I kept my inner dialogue concealed and calmly suggested we get something to eat. If you know what's good for you...
He vetoed my proposal. As it turned out, he was on a watermelon fast. To cleanse his kidneys. Or bowels. We talked about both in the course of the evening, so it's hard to recall which fascinating internal organs we were discussing at the time. Eventually we decided on a movie, none of which were starting anytime soon. I didn't want things to get to ugly, so I recommended he take me to the grocery store where I purchased myself an ice cream. I know how to treat a girl! He was, unfortunately, rather clueless. It may have helped him somewhat had I found the following sign earlier:
I'd rather it say, "Don't feed me? Don't flirt with me." But I have approximately zero photoshop skills. I still enjoyed this version.
It contrasts nicely with the following:
"Feed me...and I'm yours!!! I'm picky like that.
Unfortunately for all who happened across me, today was one of low caloric-intake. Which meant my Russian-ness was all the quicker to come out. Or maybe it's some of the Southern-ness I acquired during my time in Texas. A girl has to get a little diva every now and again...
It also meant I had to eat my last two Reese's peanut butter cups upon arriving home. <<Sniff, sniff>>. Luckily, I still have PB M&M's on hand. But who knows what kind of terror Russia will face when those vanish???
Best to feed me and avoid finding out.
He vetoed my proposal. As it turned out, he was on a watermelon fast. To cleanse his kidneys. Or bowels. We talked about both in the course of the evening, so it's hard to recall which fascinating internal organs we were discussing at the time. Eventually we decided on a movie, none of which were starting anytime soon. I didn't want things to get to ugly, so I recommended he take me to the grocery store where I purchased myself an ice cream. I know how to treat a girl! He was, unfortunately, rather clueless. It may have helped him somewhat had I found the following sign earlier:
It contrasts nicely with the following:
Unfortunately for all who happened across me, today was one of low caloric-intake. Which meant my Russian-ness was all the quicker to come out. Or maybe it's some of the Southern-ness I acquired during my time in Texas. A girl has to get a little diva every now and again...
It also meant I had to eat my last two Reese's peanut butter cups upon arriving home. <<Sniff, sniff>>. Luckily, I still have PB M&M's on hand. But who knows what kind of terror Russia will face when those vanish???
Best to feed me and avoid finding out.
He was on a watermelon fast!?!? Wow.
ReplyDeleteI love that you stopped to get ice cream! lol!