Monday, January 12, 2009

In the Wild

"I don't believe in coddling people. In the wild there is no healthcare. In the wild, healthcare is "Owe, I hurt my leg. I can't run, a lion eats me and I'm dead!" Well I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead!" ~Dwight Schrute

There are those of us who are lions, and there are those of us who are dead. If you're reading this, you're most likely not dead. If you'd like to remain in that state, consider the following scenarios to effectively combat illness:

1. You've got a sore throat? Bit of a cough? Scratchy voice? Solution: Go spend the night in a smoke-filled bar/dining establishment and cheer loudly for Oklahoma in the BCS National Championship game. They'll only be defeated because you---a lion---weren't playing on the team. If you're dining at the Arena, I might recommend the Monte Cristo. Brilliant.

2. You (let's say you is a female in this scenario) wake up the next day sounding like a man. A bit unusual, but not too serious. The best way to handle vocal gender confusion is to take it to school, play auditions for most of the day and then come home. To get ready for a studio party that night. Stay out until 11:30, eat lots, talk and laugh in your man voice---how often do you really sound this seductive?!---and then stop by the grocery store to purchase some nighttime cough medication.

3. Saturday morning. You've got a bit of a Tylenol Cough&Cold hangover. Chug some orange juice, go to class---yes, some people actually have the good luck of class on Saturday morning so you, in this scenario, will as well---and then go out for brunch with friends afterward. Who cares if you can't utter audible phrases at the moment? Your un-showered, medicated self in jeans and sweatshirt should be shared with the public. How else can they learn to appreciate such natural beauty?!!!

4. If the lion in you has yet to emerge, at this point you should probably go home, put on sweatpants to further enhance your natural beauty, and medicate. A couple movies and a half cup of cough syrup later, you'll be ready to roar! In fact, maybe you should lure people into your lair under the pretenses of watching a "movie" and infect them all! An effective tactic to divide the weak from the strong.

5. Having successfully distinguished yourself as a lioness, forget the pride and crash on the couch, using what little time you have left of the weekend (Sunday already?!) to contemplate how to survive an upcoming week of coachings and a pending audition with no voice. Which leads to #6.

6. Conveniently have planned a weekend getaway/job audition in a warm location where sickness can not possibly exist. After all, you've earned 80 degree weather if you're the lion and not dead!

California here I come!!!


Jim: You work here, don't you want good insurance?

Dwight: Don't need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system.

Jim: Ok, well if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies.

Dwight: I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute...and superior brain-power. Through concentration I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.

Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?

Dwight: So I can lower it.
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