Moscow Mondays: Живописный мост

Happy Monday! What joys has your Monday brought? Mine thus far has included:

• My coldest day in Moscow yet: -20 Celsius / -4 Fahrenheit.
• Despite the awful temperatures, today I saw sunshine!!! We're down to about 7 hours of daylight and those tend to fall while I'm in the catacombs of the opera. Sunlight, even when doing nothing for the temperature, is a beautiful thing. 
• A final exam. Oh, Russian grammar...how thou dost try my patience. To help us channel our Russian energy, the university shut off the heaters for the morning. Okay, not really. But they were definitely broken. And it made me doubly thrilled to finish the exam. 
• When it's -20 out, every step outdoors must be calculated. Post-university I decided to grab some delicious döner kebab, as it just so happens that the BEST place for it in Moscow is relatively near my university. When I say "relatively near" that means about 10-15 minutes on foot. In the elements. It was a risky decision, but oh so tasty!

• This advertisement seen today in the metro = my personal life motto. "It's cold outside!" "In your soul it's warm!" Chocolate: "Optimism in your hands." Made. My. Day.

Today's original Moscow Monday game plan was a trip to an icon museum. But since I had only seen it on a map and couldn't accurately gauge how many minutes it would take to walk from metro to museum, it was out. So instead, I bring you:

Живописный Мост

I pass by it every day on my way into the center and I've been meaning to photograph it since Day 1. Today's sunshine made it irresistible, so instead of spending 15-20 minutes outdoors hunting for an icon museum, I spent about 40 minutes forgetting my frozen feet and snapping shots of what could be called my "hood."

While the red of the bridge is much more vivid in autumn or summer sunlight (I believe summer sunlight exists in Moscow, though I'll have to see it to be convinced), I love seeing the river iced over. Rumor has it that people walk across it comfortably in the winter months. Hasn't made it onto my to-do list...my calculations suggest that would be too long spent out of doors...but we'll see.

I found this blog that has some stunning pictures of the bridge in warmer days. Weather AND photo jealousy ensued and I'm determined to devote more time to learning to coax beauty from my camera.

While not my immediate neighborhood...this is my neighboring civilization.

But there's no place like Home Sweet Home.

This Moscow Monday was yet another reminder of the stunning beauty this city has to offer. And the two blankets, hot lemon water, and fresh pair of thick socks that awaited upon my arrival at my cabin? Equally gorgeous! 

A "Broken" Day

The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places."
~Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms

I'm having a "broken" day. The type of day when your soul, after diligently and successfully working to build a strong front of optimism, strength, and courage, reminds you that you are fragile. These days can be triggered by something, but more often than not I find that they are a summation of the "nothings." All the little things we so diligently repress: fleeting feelings of inadequacy, the sting of ill-timed criticism, the weight of small but ever-so-disappointing failures, the chill of loneliness. On the "whole" days, it's "nothing." Mere trivialities that can be shrugged off, countered with ambition, self-confidence, humor, and hard work.

But somewhere, those nothings live on. And amidst the days of joy, success, laughter, and friendship, the toll of daily living builds and demands to be acknowledged. And then comes the ache of feeling. The ache of living. The Brokenness.

Nothing went particularly wrong today. But somehow in the last 18 hours I felt all my inadequacy. The obvious weaknesses and even the flaws of strengths. The loneliness that can't be erased with a phone call and the physical and mental isolation of life in a foreign country. Fatigue and pain surfaced that I hadn't had time to notice. All the nothings of life merged into a dull ache, and while the logician in me can look at the day and find success, I---someone who loves to conquer emotion with reason---ultimately could do nothing against feeling.

And in feeling my vulnerabilities, I am all the more aware that there are those whose today must seem far more "Broken" than mine. And I ache for and with them.

But while being Broken hurts, ultimately I believe it's where we find ourselves and, in turn, our relief. So while my day was a dull throb, I'm grateful. To truly live, we must take time to feel our humanity, recognize our fragility, acknowledge hurt and doubt, and then move forward with hope, faith, renewed purpose, and likely still uncertainty. Being at once completely whole in our brokenness.

'Tis the Season

So...when did December happen?!? Someone told me the date yesterday and I was seriously shocked. Not just as in, "Wow, I knew it was the 7th, but I just can't believe how fast this week has gone by!" but rather, "Wow, I really have no concept of time and fully believed it was somewhere around the 3rd." It happens when you don't look at a calendar.

My main regret in being so acutely unaware? The neglect of my Christmas decor.

When I say decor, I'm using it in the singular sense of the word: this advent calendar is my one and only. Unless you want to count the mounds of snow outside my cabin.

This chocolate beauty was purchased in Germany in mid-October on my way back from San Francisco. We always had an advent calendar growing up...mom's was hand-sewn and crafty, and unfortunately neither of those descriptors are in my personal vocabulary. BUT chocolate is. So when I saw this (and was informed that it would be infinitely more expensive if available in Russia), I got a jump-start on the holiday season.

And then, forgot. About a ***calendar filled with chocolate***!!! Who is this person!?! I hardly know myself anymore! Answer: One who keeps way too much chocolate in the house. To the point that a chocolate calendar is left huddled in the corner, wanting for attention. NO LONGER! I successfully got up-to-date with little effort, and threw a Reese's shaped like a Christmas tree into the mix for good measure.

So, what's happened in the week that managed to escape my notice?

In order of random thought:

1. I have a roommate. He has yet to make himself visible, but I've heard him scurrying away overhead. My Russian neighbor/colleague refers to him as "Jerry." I. Hate. JERRY!
People, I've dealt with a mouse or two in my time...I'm OVER it. My neighbors on the other side can't understand my disdain. Today I was told how adorable, small, and cute little mice can be. If I was starving to the point that I needed to eat a rodent, I might find them somewhat attractive. Otherwise, get thee hence!

2. A holiday part to kick of the Christmas season!!! Two years ago, I was in Moscow for the first time. And attended a Christmas party at the home of Lyuba, the English teacher for some of our Bolshoi artists. It was one of the most magical evenings in my life, albeit that I understood approximately 25% of what was being said. The singers all broke out some American Christmas carols, and then followed them up with Russian, Ukrainian, and Armenian folk songs. Fabulous food, fascinating company, and an overall sense of awe at the foreign cultural experience that was that evening.

Fast forward two years. Same house. New and familiar faces. Understanding about 90% of conversation and actually engaging and playing a part in the evening that I had before only witnessed. Music, food, friends...and a reality check. Two years ago, I never would have envisioned that I'd be where I am today. And therein is the true beauty of life. The unexpected. Twists and turns that occasionally bring you around full circle.

For the others, this picture was a joke. But in my case, this was how I felt sooner than I should have. I'm a fading flower post-midnight it turns out. (Really, that should read post-10 pm, but that's slightly embarrassing).

3. I got fired by my Russian teacher. No joke. She had had enough of meeting with me at the early hour of 8:30 am and informed me that her complexion and health were suffering because of it. She tried to pass me off to three of the other teachers (these are individual courses) and I was flatly refused each time. Word has it there might be one who's willing...which would be convenient, given that I'd like to learn this language someday.

4. I started studying. For real. This was before getting fired. And after. It's exam month my friends. And while grades might be irrelevant in this stage of life, academic performance and the challenges therein will never lose their attractiveness. So it's back to the books. I have a serious amount of grammar to master.

5. Snow. It deserves its own number here.

And that's a December snapshot. What's your month looking like thus far? Hopefully it's chocolate-filled! 'Tis the season!

Prisoner in Serebryany Bor

I may not be able to speak Russian, but I do know how to unlock a door. Or at least I thought I did…

The problem with learning a language is that no matter how long you’ve studied it, when you get down with the natives, you feel completely incompetent. And let’s face it, you are. And when I say you, I’m talking about myself. But thanks for keeping me company.

The problem with feeling incompetent all the time is that it starts messing with your head.

Yesterday was my first day at the theater. Not actually working, but sorting out my contract, getting the grand tour, and then waiting on a couple of my colleagues to help me heft my bags through the metro to my new place of residence. Permanent place of residence, I might add. Most of the day was spent in Russian, and despite the horrific sense of inadequacy which Russian brings to my heart, I was at least able to keep up with the conversation. Successfully followed the meeting on my contract details, my work schedule, and some of the ins-and-outs of the Bolshoi. Score!

But then my colleagues escorted me to my home which, as a side note, happens to be in the middle of a forest. And they were speaking real-time Russian. And all sense of self was quickly diminished. I started settling in to discover, as I had been warned, that I have the worst internet connection in existence. Farewell self confidence and my mother’s words of reassurance. Lifeline to English-speaking civilization officially cut.

Head officially messed with, I had a bit of a problem figuring out the lock on my door. I’d try to unlock it and the key would just turn and turn, accomplishing nothing. (CRUCIAL: I’m talking about the lock on the inside. Which requires unlocking to leave the apartment.) My Russian colleague tried it once. It worked, of course, and he looked at me like I was a complete idiot. Which I definitely felt like at that point, so he wasn’t too far off.

Instead of trying it again, I decided to unpack…finally! It felt fabulous!!! There’s something so grand about NOT living out of a suitcase. I then whipped up a quick pasta dinner, tried to rejuvenate my tired soul with a considerable amount of success, THEN attempted opening my door and STILL couldn’t, so I called it a night and took a couple shots to knock myself out.

Shots, you ask in disbelief?!? No, I have not taken up drinking despite the current abundance of vodka in my surroundings. (For the record, in my new digs I have only one coffee mug, no normal-sized glasses, and four shot glasses.) But as a “welcome to Russia” souvenir, I successfully managed to pick up the cold virus that was rampant in my hostel room. For a solid week I’ve been surviving on an evening shot of my Tylenol Cough&Cold. Possibly the most valuable item I hauled across the world with me. Its current status makes my survival of the coming year questionable. See below:

This morning there was sunshine and with a slightly clearer head post a solid night’s sleep, I thought I might have the intelligence and confidence to get my door open and venture outside. I REALLY wanted to run...the weather was perfect and that’s not an easy commodity to come by in these parts! So I grabbed my keys and gave it a go. And they turned and turned. And didn’t open the door.

6 hours passed. I did some Russian reading, then tried to unlock the door. Sent a few emails while I had a briefly functional internet connection. Tried to unlock the door. Waited by the window, pretending to study Russian verbs while hoping for a passerby who could try opening the door from the outside. No luck. Tried to unlock the door. Examined my exit options and realized the only window was a bit high and had a screen to inhibit my exit. PRISONER!!! Tried to unlock the door. No success. My self-confidence is not at a peak, given the Russian language, so the repeated attempts were made hoping that the problem was with the door, but secretly fearing I’d simply found yet another Achilles’ heel---locks. Put on my shoes and jacket, determined that I would make it to the store…no food and no toothpaste was not going to happen…and tried the lock again. You guessed it. Didn’t work.

Call someone??? I had no phone numbers for anyone within a 45 minute radius of my new residence. And besides that, every outbound text I’d tried sending the evening before had been met with the word ERROR. Service issues or my issues? The constant questioning. Can’t work a phone, can’t open a door, can’t get the internet to work…enough of the mind games!

I kicked the screen out of the window.

Four hours later I’m back inside. My door still doesn’t work. I even had a Russian try it. Just to ease my mind. I’ll likely still be locked in come morning. And there’s a 100% chance I won’t wake up fluent in the Russian language. But know this:
I will take my shots tonight and I will vanquish this cough and cold. I will leave the apartment tomorrow, albeit through the window. And I am going to speak my terrible Russian to my class and to anyone else who will listen. I may be losing daily battles here in Russia, but I will kick down as many screens as necessary to be sure that I win the war.